I took a couple shirts to the dry cleaners yesterday. First off, even though I’m 22, I think I deserve an explanation on exactly what “dry” cleaning is. How do you clean without water? Is it like “dry” ice? I’d go to Wikiepedia on this one, but that seems like the cheap answer. Speaking of cheap, I don’t know about you, but I would think a raggity sweatshirt would cost less than fancy, prim dress shirts. I’d also be wrong.

I baked chicken florentine for dinner tonight, which makes me feel about as old as anything I’ve done ever. Seriously, that’s not a meal you make when you’re a cavalier young man living on your own. You make frozen burritos and mishmash stew! You drink lots of beer and eat crackers smothered in Cheez Wiz! You don’t make chicken florentine, that’s for sure.

(On a related note, garlic is really weird; I’ve never had to mince my own before, and its like a tiny, buttery onion that kills vampires)

~ beet

[over]

• $120 in change, not counting countless worthless pennies.
• A mysterious red-on-white “V” patch, discovered along a frence at Spotswood high’s soccer field. A commemorative Nagano 1998 Olympics downhill skiing coin. A Chap Stick.
• An empty can of Arizona green tea (99¢ great buy!) filled with more-or-less just tissues. It’s like a garbage can.
• Three books, bookmarked by a parking ticket, a party invitation and a slice of scrap paper. If you give up on guessing CDs, take a stab …

~ beet

P.S. EDITOR’S NOTE OF AN ADDENDUM!!!

A few postscripts: this list is not, in fact, all encompassing, but rather includes just the objects in the front portion of my car. It omits items in the back seat (mostly old newspapers, two shirts and a pair of jeans) and the trunk (a tennis racket and things you need not know about); the can of green tea was promptly thrown out, having reached its capacity for holding garbage; on second though, I posit you ought to know about all things in my trunk, namely a work computer that I used (twice quite failfully) to cover high school basketball games in Hillsborough, South Orange and Bound Brook. There is also a dirty sweatshirt from my haughty college days. ~ beet

Imprecisley rhymes apathetic.

I’m not entirely sure why, but as I got out of the shower to abscond to work one evening, I began mumbling to myself The Beatle’s “All You Need Is Love,” haphazardly in rhythm with the drip of the showerhead.

The neatness with which the tune fits into the pigsty of my apartment was confirmed minutes later by an instant message from my girlfriend: “love love love love.” (I of course replied “you hate that song” to which SHE replied “i only wrote 4/which means i wasn’t referencing the song/you have to do 3 or 6 if you want to talk about the song/that i hate” to which I replied “bollocks.”)

So is all we need love? How many repetitions of the word “love” constitute a rendition of the song? Why are college football teams so whiny when it comes to not getting any love? Why does Hollywood love making awful movies these days? Is love truly less than three (type it out …) ? Do I need to show my showerhead some love so it stops dripping?

How much love does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a woman? (Too risque, too gaudy, you say?!? Bollocks!) Is one required to love thy neighbor if thy hates thyselves? Whatever happened to that show “Big Love,” with the guy from Twister? What’s a more exhilarating locale to make love, a yellow submarine or an octopus’ garden?

In the immortal shared words of Ashanti and Fat Joe, what’s loo-ooo-ooove got to do with it? Apparently, a lot.

~ beet

The decade-old CD player in my boyfriend’s car refuses to distinguish between tracks — if it even plays the cd at all. Therefore, if you want to listen to to music, you must commit to hearing an album from beginning to end. If your car is as musically destitute as my boyfriend’s, you only have one cd to chose from, and our music du jour is Coldplay’s most recent album, Viva la Vida.
I used to listen to entire CDs all the time. I can still remember my first CD player, bought with saved up babysitting money, that lasted me from high school all the way to college. I would buy CDs from a music store and listen them to death – most noteably, Jewel, “Pieces of You”, Dave Matthews Band “Before These Crowded Streets” and Weezer, The Blue Album. I can’t say if I really appreciated the continuity of listening to a whole album, but there are times when I re-listen to those CDs, and I can sing a long to songs I didn’t even recognize.
Gradually, I began to pick and choose which tracks I liked and which I didn’t. This became infinitely easier with the transition to downloaded music. And when I judged a song to be unworthy of my time, I would delete it from my computer altogether, never to bother me again. It felt liberating to dictate which music I liked and discard what I didn’t. And while my library sharply decreased, I justified it by telling myself that I was cutting out the dead weight and only keeping the gems.
Which brings us to today, my iPod only half filled with three or four tracks from any given artist, besides, ironically, those whom I had learned to love through the trusty old CD player.
And I really really like the new Coldplay CD. I’m a big fan of both the title track and Violet Hill from listening to them on the radio, but I had no idea how much depth and fluidity there was in the album. And listening to it all in one sitting is a refreshing experience. There are songs that I find myself humming and singing a long to that I would have never given a chance normally.
Now, I’m not suggesting we should all return to 8 tracks and have no control over what we listen to. And there is certainly a TON of bad music out there. But I think listening to albums in bits and pieces like the old me would does a injustice to the artists who created it.
So when I saw Kanye’s new CD had just been released, I started with Track #1 …

– Bear

I am sitting cross-legged and cockeyed in my 1998 pine-green Mazda overlooking New York City on a bridge day as well as the Hudson, which — for reasons I can’t explain — appears to be swiftly scurrying in the wrong direction. (The ocean is to my right.) It is the first of December.

I am jotting down these observations onto a small, weathered, manillabrown envelope. It contains four hand-made Christmas CDs, which are in season but for unknown motives are refused by the Mazda. Instead, I’m listening to Bobby Helms’ “Jingle Bell Rock” on the radio.

I am in possession of this envelope because it is the original vehicle of the once-blank CDs, lent to me by my girlfriend who works at the company below in the city below, to which I have returned for a lunch date.

I am in a writing mood because I have been reading a book of poetry, the title track of which points out the eternal loop of poetry-inspired-poetry. For this reason, I avoided a poem of specific sort, with judgements left to him and you.

I am smirking jealously at joggers, and to them and you I wish a belated Happy New Year (2008) and a Merry X-Mas in waiting.  ~ beet

“”

~ beet

Whilst walking to a lunch date, I made my way from my spot-du-jour through the midriff of the parking heirarchy, I happened upon a blue minivan with a sparkling yellow boot. My initial reaction was one of sympathy, for this seemingly Target-tourin’ soccer mommy  would return to her vehicle with tots in tow only to discover her ride was immobilized. How sad.

But I thought some more. This wasn’t just a ticket. A glaring “WARNING OF SEIZURE” billet clung to the windshield, and the city has seen fit to boot the van. Clearly, it’d been there longer than a trip to Panera with the kids. Clearly, someone had left this caboose double parked in their own memory banks. (Bad metaphor? Sue me.) If anything, it had been abandoned. The rage kicked it in when it dawned on me: This sunofasmug had left their van illegally parked in a perfectuly usable parking spot! The jerk!

Ultimately I settled on this train of thought. One of two things is true … either the driver willfully left the van in that spot, with no intention of returning (the JERK!). Or, they had simply ignored the plentifully posted signs, leaving the cops to deduce that the car had, in fact, been abandoned. In which case they’re an idiot.

So which is worse, to be befoiled by an idiot or a jerk? Luckily for me, I had moved on by this point to skip twixt the parking meters and listen to the spared change jingle in my pocket. Woot.

~ beet

12. Route 18 over the South River/Bordentown Turnpike: This is actually my least favorite bridge in the county, but for reasons that bear mentioning. There are multiple locations along Route 18 in East Brunswick where the divided state highway, built in the ’50s, clearly breaks up what used to be a local road. But the saddest is on the Old Bridge border, where instead of simply splitting the Bordentown Turnpike in two, it rises to pass over it, as well as the rapidly widening South River as it spits its way north toward the Raritan. There are a small handful of aging-if-not-obsolete shops in the shadow of the overpass, and nothing represents the high toll the area has paid for the throroughfare, from the ghosts of Burnet Street in New Brunswick to the halved East Brunswick neighborhood near the swooping, offset overpasses of Cranbury and Milltown roads. (On a lighter note, this point is a stone’s throw from my apartment, and usually represents the first point my girlfriend even recognizes on drives home.)

11. Basilone Bridge: Carrying the Turnpike over the Raritan River, the Basilone is a bland, listless bridge that you’re bound to overlook if you cross it at night. Maybe its the abundance of lanes, maybe its the placement at that perfect spot on the river where New Brunswick is out of visual reach, and the only geographical markers are the faux skyline of the omnipresent Turnpike buildings and the nondescript lowlands of greater Sayreville off to the southeast. Unfortunately, the bridge is too efficient, too well-built, too seamlessly blended into either riverbank. That’s great if you’re the engineer who built it, but not so great if you’re a bridge afficianado.

10. Albany Street Bridge: Connecting Albany Street in New Brunswick with Main Street Highland Park via Route 27, this is an understated but elegant drive, though it’s currently under construction. It was dual walkways (huge bonus), and offers decent, though not through views of both towns as you cross.

9. Lynch Memorial Bridge: This bridge, which lifts Route 18 over the Raritan between New Brunswick and Piscataway and serves as one of the main links between Rutgers’ campuses on either side of the river, would be higher on this list (it’s fast, it’s efficient, it has a gentle curve to it and a pedestrian/bike path along the southbound side!), except it crosses a part of the Raritan that tends to flood when it rains too much and dries up when it doesn’t rain enough. In between, it’s usually has a sad brown hue with a matching odor. Although once in a bleu moon, the river and the trees lining the Piscataway side come together to shine in the setting sun, but on your typical Monday morning bus ride to class, it’s a unmitigated disaster.

8. Northeast Corridor Bridge over Easton Avenue: Abutting the New Brunswick Train Station, this overpass makes this list on looks more than anything. It is bestowed with a harsh and stoic stone face, as it delivers an effervescent stream of water droplets to the sidewalks below. It’s a bit of a pedestrian adventure to cross underneath, despite not inspiring a second thought from those training over it. But perhaps its most useful quality is the spiral staircase across from the flower shop, which offers a good view of the Albany Street as it streaks up toward Highland Park. There is a mural across the wall of Baskin Robbins inside the train station that offers the same shot as seen by some anonymous early 20th century photographer, and comparing the two is a worthwhile endeavor.

7. New Jersey Turnpike over Hightstown-Cranbury Station Road: Perhaps no entry in this list provides a more striking argument to differentiate between “bridge” and “overpass,” but for my purposes, it makes the cut. Hightstown-Cranbury Station Road, following in the great roadway nomenclature tradition of New Jersey, runs between a back street of Hightstown to Route 615 in Cranbury Station. At its northern end, it runs through what appears to be a small abandoned hamlet, and just before reaching a small apartment complex at its southern reaches, mingles with old warehouses that, like any of a number of classical optical illusions, fluctuate in the mind’s eye between apparent disuse and the unseemly occupancy. In the middle of these two endpoints, the road slips under the might Turnpike, beneath an overpass that honestly borders on tunnel, or at least viaduct. It is bracketed by forgotten train track and a conga line of sandy pillars, which almost certainly shelter a vagabond or two from the occasional passing car. It is both creepy and alluring, something no other structure (classical bridge or otherwise) on this list can claim.

6. Route 535 over the South River: This isn’t the most well-traveled bridge in the county, but if you begin to explore the borough of South River, eventually you’ll spit out the back across this bridge and into Sayreville. It’s surprisingly long as it rises over the marshy ground you’ll find sprinkled across the Raritan Bay area, and for just a brief moment, whisks you away from the heavily suburbanized area as you look up and downstream, and gives you a glimpse of undeveloped Central Jersey.

5. Goodkind bridges: Named in honor of everyone’s favorite architect father-son combo, Morris and Donald, either half of this family affair carries one direction of Route 1 across the Raritan River between the Brunswicks and Edison. Unlike the Basilone Bridge, these spans allow a snapshot view of rising downtown New Brunswick, although you do need to look upstream a ways, meaning you’re likely to go caroming into another lane at 70 miles-an-hour if you aren’t careful. The most redeeming quality of these two bridges is the stretch of Route 1 they represent. Between the freeway portions of the U.S. highway in Trenton and Elizabeth/Newark, drivers have to maneuver through 40 miles of heavy traffic and suffocating stop lights. But for some inexplicable reason, there is a forgiving respite between Route 130 in North Brunswick and Route 529 in Edison that is roughly bisected by the Raritan. The speed and flow of these precious miles carries through the gentle curves leading up and over the bridge.

4. Route 35 over Cheesequake Creek: There aren’t many place in New Jersey where you can get a nice, clean view of the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge, but as you cross between Sayreville and Old Bridge, you’ll surprisingly find one. The angle’s a little shallow, giving you a somewhat distorted view that doesn’t really capture the length of the bridge, but still, it’s something you probably didn’t expect to see as you run along the southern shores of Raritan Bay. You can also check out the Outerbridge Crossing and Staten Island to the north, while a minor marina is nestled along the creek to the south, giving you the first indication that you’re encroaching on the Jersey Shore if you’re traveling southbound.

3. Local road bridges over Garden State Parkway: Being the poor schmuck I am, the occasions where I’m traveling with spare dollar bills in my pocket are few and far between. As such, the Turnpike is rarely the best option to abscond to Jersey City to visit my girlfriend, so I usually scuffle over to the Parkway and take the the slightly wider course and then cut back in along either Route 22 or I-78. Luckily, this is my favorite part of the freeway, as it is the original 11-mile piece that hearkens back to the original Route 4 designation that has been all-but-trashed and chopped to a short North Jersey route. The internal number for the Parkway is Route 444 in honor of this, and because it predates the rest of the road, the stretch from Route 1 (Exit 129) to Route 22 (Exit 140) remains toll-free and features some gorgeous architecture on the overpasses throughout. There are only a couple in Middlesex County, but they are just as breathtaking as those in Union County. Along with the trees running alongside the shoulders and the comfortably wide grassy median, these bridges somehow allow the Parkway to live up to its name even as it digs deeper into the urban northeast.

2. Driscoll/Edison Bridge Agglomeration: In most respects, this mountain of concrete and pavement soaring across the near-mouth of the Raritan is easily the superlative of county bridges. Technically, there are four spans, but honestly, as you approach on either the Parkway or Route 9 from either direction, you don’t see four bridges as much as you just sit in awe. For you sticklers of details, we’re talking about the dual-span, 12-lane Driscoll Bridge (both directions of the Parkway), the once-renamed, three-lane Veiser Memorial Bridge (Route 9 southbound) and the un-renamed, widowed, three-lane Edison Bridge (Route 9 northbound). Add that up, you get 18 total lanes, plus four shoulders for the Route 9 bridges, and there is currently construction on the Driscoll that will add three more lanes, pushing the total to 21. That’s insane. You have a great view of a huge portion of Middlesex County, from the Turnpike Buildings in East Brunswick to the Northeast Corridor wires buzzing through New Brunswick and Edison to the hotels of Raritan Center to the Outerbridge Crossing landing in the neighborhoods of Perth Amboy. You can see water towers sprinkled to the south in Old Bridge and Sayreville, and the northern shore of South Amboy. Quite impressive, although there’s one view it doesn’t have …

1. Victory Bridge: And that’s the view of itself. For everything you can see from the Driscoll/Edison Agglomeration, to cross the river a few hundred feet downstream on Route 35 is to get a clean look at the agglomeration in its full glory. You can still see the Amboys and the Atlantic Highlands and the Outerbridge Crossing, although any views to the west are obscured by the Driscoll/Edison. Still, the Victory Bridge is a bit prettier, with obelisks and eaglettes standing guard at either side, and features pedestrian walkways (!), albeit this seems to lead to people constantly jumping off. The best part is that local roads provide easy access to the Victory Bridge, meaning you can — without much effort — bypass the Driscoll/Edison in favor of Middlesex County’s No. 1 Bridge. Sign me up.

~ beet

1. I had the priveledge of viewing what might be the most absurdly eclectic film I’ve seen in a while the other night with my girlfriend and her family. Looking for something to do on a Saturday night, and with no desirable options to pick from in theaters, we rented The Golden Compass. Without giving too much away, a rundown of prominent characters: a talking polar bear, a cowboy, a horde of gypsy pirates and a fairy witch. Sadly, there were no spacemen or dragons. The extreme diversity notwithstanding, the film raised questions about free will, tolerance and the like. That got me thinking; I consider myself a pretty open-minded and acception, but the one thing I can’t stand is someone who isn’t (i.e. the obnoxious, slimy villians of the movie). Which leaves me wondering, is that hypocritical? How does somone matain an open mind on closed-mindedness? How can you argue with any conviction that its important to be open to both views on an issue while acknowledging the other side? How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know.

2. The issue of settling on a national champion for college football is always a hot-button issue this time of year, so here’s a radical, rough-around-the-edges idea. Proponents of the current system hang one of their hats on the fact the regular season is so much more critical under the BCS. The haters then shrug their shoulders because a better regular season at the expense of a legit champion is a bit corkscrewy. So why not combine the two? Here it goes: The current 12-game season that extends from September to the opening days of December is split between eight “regular” season games and four in-season “playoff” games. You start with four of the regular season games, the results of which are used to seed all 120 Division I-A teams into a bracket. The top eight teams get a bye, and in the fifth week, everyone else plays the first round. The other eight teams can take the week off, play each other, play a I-AA, whatever. That eliminates 56 teams, and so in Week 6, the remaining 64 (that’s a familiar number, huh?) go at it, whittling the field down to just 32. Again, the unfortunate 56 can intermingle among themselves, take a breather, or go off in search of a minnow to upon which to take out their frustration.
With that, we return to the other four regular season games. The key here is that these are pre-scheduled games, giving the teams, fans and stadium workers across America, giving them a break from what would admittedly be a hectic two weeks, especially for teams in the middle of the bracket that might be hosting, might not, depending on their seed and who does what.
Finally, with the abbreviated regular season out of the way, those 32 remaining teams begin the two-week process of whittling the field to eight. Everyone else can do what they please. If you want to even have everyone schedule games for these weeks at the outset of the season to cut down on the number of teams scrambling, sobeit.  At the end of the day, you have eight teams remaining as we carom toward the bowl season. For the most part, they’re run the same way they are now. Between your eight regular games and whatever you are so lucky to fill those other four weeks with, you have to finish .500 to qualify for a bowl. They can have their fancy-schmancy selection committees, except for the seven select bowls that will involve those final eight. This is more or less the eight-team playoff most yakking heads seem to deeply desire. Pluck the Rose, Orange, Fiesta and Sugar bowls, plus maybe the Cotton, Gator and Holiday bowls, and rotate them around between the national quarterfinals, semifinals and championship game.
Of course, there are kinks that could probably be worked out by reasonable people, but even the concept is too far out there for most anyone who is or ever has been associated with decision-making in college football. But hey, it’s a thought.

~ beet

1. Mississippi State Bulldogs: They say you’re only as strong as your weakest link, and everyone knows the SEC is the single greatest collective of athletes ever. Asofar as I can tell, the Bulldogs are their weakest link, so no team in the SEC can be better than them. So I guess they’re the best team in all of sports. Who knew?

2. Dallas Cowboys: “Weakest Link” logic applies here, as well, seeing as the NFC East is nearly the equal of the SEC and Dallas is the pro equivalent of Mississippi State. Pundits expect the division to send at least three of its four teams to the Super Bowl. I’d be inclined to agree, except for the Cowboys’ losses to Arizona and St. Louis, the Giants’ loss to Cleveland, the Eagles’ loss to Chicago and the Redskins’ losses to St. Louis (again?!) and Pittsburgh. Other than that, though …

3. Los Angeles Lakers: The Lakers are clicking on all cylinders, perhaps playing as well as anyone else in sports right now, especially the two teams ahead of them in this poll. Unfortunately, they play in the same building as the Clippers, who are just oozing putridity all over Los Angeles. (It doesn’t help that state officials have reportedly been shipping the Kings’ putridity down I-5 to keep the capitol sparkling. At least they have the Garden State Bonanza Tag Team of Quincy Douby and Jason Thompson.)

4. Pittsburgh Steelers: Having just watched the Steelers dismantle Washington on Monday Night Football, the poll-voter blood that boils through my body can’t shake the idea that this is a truly dominant team. At least until I see someone else win some game. I mean, it’s really tough to put recent history in proper perspective against things that happened earlier this fall (or this hour). Honestly, in about 20 minutes, my Madden team will probably be ranked fourth, and by this time tomorrow, it’ll be some local high school girls soccer squad.

5. Philadelphia Phillies: I can’t put my figure on it, they just have that something.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers (virtual): As I write this, Matt Stover just kicked a field goal for the Steelers in my game of Madden. I’m still beating them 24-9, but hey, no team in the entire country has had a more dominant 40 seconds than this Steelers squad. They’ve outscored the rest of the planet, 3-0, during this stretch, including the real Steelers.

7. New York Rangers: At 10-3-1, the Blue Shirts have the best record in the Eastern Conference and trail San Jose by a half game for the best record in the entire NHL. Plus, the Mets and Yankees both just bombed, the Knicks and Jets are train wrecks waiting to happen, the Islanders are in last place, and Giants are trying to get as many people to ignore them as possible so they can pretend its still 2007,  leaving the Rangers to hoarde the spotlight.

T-8. Arizona Wildcats/Arizona State Sun Devils/Miami Dolphins: Because anyone who has the incredible fortune of playing a professional or “high-level” collegiate team in the state of Washington this week is almost certainly going to look like a Top 10 team, basically by default. Yes, even teams that haven’t been to a bowl in a decade/have lost six in a row/won all of one game last year. This is where the saying “An Apple State opponent a day …” comes from.

11. North Carolina Tar Heels: No, not the football team. Remember, the ACC is to college football what Missisippi State is to the SEC, and since the North Carolina STATE is the NCAA’s weakest link’s weakest link, the Tar Heels gridiron gang has no business in these rankings. Anyway, we’re talking college hoops. Well, I’m talking, you’re doing more of the listening. Actually, I guess I’m writing, and you’re reading. That seems right.

12. Davidson Wildcats: Now, you’re probably thinking “college hoops” for some unknown reason. Wrong again, padre. The Davidson football team beat Campbell this week, 49-0. The Fightin’ Camels beat Carthage, 36-27; the Redmen beat Lakeland 27-21; the Muskies beat Wisconsin Lutheran 26-7. The Warriors’ buddies o’er in Madison beat Fresno State; the Bulldogs beat UCLA; the Bruins beat Tennessee; the Volunteers beat Mississippi State, who is No. 1 in our rankings. How the Wildcats got snubbed at No. 12, I can’t even fathom.

13. Tennessee Titans: I have a lot of family in upstate New York who are big, big Bills fans. They probably look back on the Music City Miracle and start thinking all sorts of nasty thoughts. I, for one, thought it was pretty neat, and enjoyed it from start to finish. In unrelated news, save for the head coach and some spare parts, the Titans are unbeaten halfway thorugh the regular season. Someone alert the Giants!

14. Florida Gators: Alabama is ranked No. 1 in some other less-cool polls, and is still unbeaten. But a year removed from a national championship, the Gators seemed to primed for another title run. The only mistake they seem to have made is that last year, Urban Meyer didn’t dub them “the Baby Gators,” like basketball coach Billy Donovan did. Then, everyone would nod approvingly even as they lost in the Citrus Bowl (read: NIT).

15. Detroit Pistons: Larry Brown’s old team beats his new team on the day said old team acquires his old star player from one of his other old teams. In related news, the 2004 Olympic basketball team acquired Danny Manning in a trade with the Clippers, a deal apparently brokered by the recently disposed-of Isaiah Thomas.

16. The Beatles: Half of them are in strawberry fields forever, but after their streak of sitting at No. 1 for a record 2,172 consecutive weeks was broken last year, the Fab Four are starting to slip. Paul and Ringo can take solace, though, in the fact their descent doesn’t come close to matching that of Tennesee’s.

T-17. Boston (x4): The Red Sox came up just shy of a pennant, the Patriots aren’t as dominant but are still 5-3 and in the mix in the AFC East, the Celts are defending NBA champs and off to a 2-1 start. Even the Bruins are off to a decent starting, having just throttled Dallas. What’s not to like? (Besides the fact that, well, it’s Boston)

21. New Orleans Saints: I selected the Saints, not because they’re the 21st best team in sports today, but because several of their players tested postive for something or other last week, and I needed a segue into cheating, because it’s actually really, really relaxing to lump a bunch of teams together (like in the previous entry) to cut down on the amount of actual work you have to do. Short cut? Sure. But hey, everybody’s doing it.

22. Texas Tech Red Raiders: This is about where I think this club actually belongs. So what if they beat Texas? They still have a huge showdown remaining on their schedule that I think will really expose them. Circle that Nov. 29 clash with Baylor, thank me later.

23. Wake Forest Demon Deacons: Men’s soccer, of course. According to ESPN: “Plenty’s been written on the Demon Deacons, and there’s not much more to say. At 16-0-1, the team looks unbeatable. Any chance at a national title runs through this team.”
Since plenty’s been written, it seems silly for me to try and force anything. 

24. Utah Utes: You can keep Boise State. I still remember when Urban Meyer took this team to the BCS and upended Pitt to be the first true BCS buster. Of course, most people don’t remember it, because that Pitt team was terribly mediocre. Coincidentally, if the Utes go undefeated this year and the Panthers beat West Virginia to win the Big East, Utah could concievably face, and beat, a mediocre Pitt team in a BCS game. I’ll bet they still don’t get the respect the Broncos do.

25. Connecticut Huskies: Because women’s basketball won’t go away, but because women’s basketball will never be higher than the lowest level of national consciousness. A word of advice: it’s not a eternally existant niche, so don’t take it for granted. This spot could easily go to Jimmy freaking Johnson.

1 cup angry comedian
2 tablespoons horseradish
5 keys, on a ring and locked in the car
1 1/2 cups airborne sinus infection
250+ gallons of rain
1 plum
1 year of dating 

Directions:

 1. Drive through blinding fog and Appalachian countryside to a remote-but-counterintuitively-popular state university (Ignore signs for “Jersey Shore” in the middle of Pennsylvania; head may explode) and set oven to 351 degrees. Approx. 4 hours.

2. Mix in angry comedian (optional: 2 cups sleeping on the floor, 3 teaspoons of visiting old friends), and let settle while pissing off young teenagers working the night shift at Pizza Hut by showing up just before it closes and ordering a full meal. Approx. 10 minutes before closing time.

3. Let simmer, slowing adding airborne sinus infection. Allow to settle, then drive back through “construction” in East Stroudsburg (i.e. street cleaning on I-80?) and careen through North Jersey en route to home. Approx. 4 hours, 15 minutes.

4. Work back-to-back high school girl’s soccer games, letting infection manifest further in the mother freaking cold; then high tail it a half hour to see girlfriend’s favorite baseball team win the World Series! Approx. 28 years since the last time.

5. Add rain. Approx. whogivesahoot.

6. Despair as World Series game is suspended for first time in history, pass out from pain and pressure due to sinus infection, wake up next morning. Should be cold and clammy outside. Approx. 12 hours.

7. Wander throughout city in the rain with broken umbrella, searching for place that a) is open and b) is befitting your one-year anniversary. Leave keys locked in the car while you dine, then wait for AAA to send man to break into your car for you so you can go back to work. Approx. 1 hour, then 20 minutes, then 10 more minutes.

Yield, Stop, One Way and Deer X-ing:

Serves with plum and horseradish, while watching old episodes of the Caped Crusader.

~ beet