Of Bears and Beets


“Holy Horseradish, Batman, you’ve gone plum batty!” (A seven-step recipe, serves 2-6)
October 29, 2008, 4:12 pm
Filed under: Cuisine | Tags: , , , ,

Ingredients:

1 cup angry comedian
2 tablespoons horseradish
5 keys, on a ring and locked in the car
1 1/2 cups airborne sinus infection
250+ gallons of rain
1 plum
1 year of dating 

Directions:

 1. Drive through blinding fog and Appalachian countryside to a remote-but-counterintuitively-popular state university (Ignore signs for “Jersey Shore” in the middle of Pennsylvania; head may explode) and set oven to 351 degrees. Approx. 4 hours.

2. Mix in angry comedian (optional: 2 cups sleeping on the floor, 3 teaspoons of visiting old friends), and let settle while pissing off young teenagers working the night shift at Pizza Hut by showing up just before it closes and ordering a full meal. Approx. 10 minutes before closing time.

3. Let simmer, slowing adding airborne sinus infection. Allow to settle, then drive back through “construction” in East Stroudsburg (i.e. street cleaning on I-80?) and careen through North Jersey en route to home. Approx. 4 hours, 15 minutes.

4. Work back-to-back high school girl’s soccer games, letting infection manifest further in the mother freaking cold; then high tail it a half hour to see girlfriend’s favorite baseball team win the World Series! Approx. 28 years since the last time.

5. Add rain. Approx. whogivesahoot.

6. Despair as World Series game is suspended for first time in history, pass out from pain and pressure due to sinus infection, wake up next morning. Should be cold and clammy outside. Approx. 12 hours.

7. Wander throughout city in the rain with broken umbrella, searching for place that a) is open and b) is befitting your one-year anniversary. Leave keys locked in the car while you dine, then wait for AAA to send man to break into your car for you so you can go back to work. Approx. 1 hour, then 20 minutes, then 10 more minutes.

Yield, Stop, One Way and Deer X-ing:

Serves with plum and horseradish, while watching old episodes of the Caped Crusader.

~ beet



Grapes as a metaphor for insecurity
October 24, 2008, 5:20 pm
Filed under: Cuisine | Tags: , , , ,

OK, so the title of this post is a little sensationalist; I admit, I was just trying to capitalize on your own insecurities to draw you in. Now that I have you entangled like little Richard Nixon flies in a spiderweb of Watergate lies, the real theme is grapes as a metaphor for life. (See, isn’t that much more boring and unenticing?)

I’ve only flown solo while shopping for groceries twice, and two other times with just my girlfriend since I moved away from home. So even the most mundane purchases are massive footnotes to my day, like the first time I bought eggs (a big deal, neraing Trumpian huge-ness). So as I drifted up and down the aisles of my local Pathmark the other day, I decided I needed to do something brash. I wanted some more fruits to compliment the dirt cheap bananas that I bought, so I went out on a vine and bought a decent sized bag of grapes.

White grapes, which sofar as I can tell are green, in a green bowl that is definitely green, in imminent dangers of being eaten by a white guy, who happens to be dark peach-ish; only in America!

White grapes, which sofar as I can tell are green, in a green bowl that is definitely green, in imminent danger of being eaten by a white guy, who happens to be dark peach-ish; only in America!

So to my point. First off, a bag of grapes is a more appropriate version of Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get (unless you pour over that bag, examining it from all angles as if your metaphoric grape life depends on it), but you can safely assume that most of it is sweet, ripe and good for the taking. But you will inevitably come across a few bad ones, or the occasional tiny sour bomb, and though they only make up maybe five to ten percent of the bunch, since you will inevitably breeze through the good grapes like some pompous Roman emporer, you remember those icky ones at the end. But the important thing is to look past those bad grapes, and realize that most of them are worth eating. Just like most of life is great, even if the bad days are the ones that stick out.

~ beet

 

(P.S. Also, grapes are mad expensive. And as I quickly watch all these bills piling up for various fruits of life, such as cable, heat, and electricity, I’m finding that life is, too.)



World Series, Here We Come!
October 22, 2008, 8:08 pm
Filed under: Sports | Tags: , ,

“And now these two disparate groups [the Philadelphia Phillies and the Tampa Bay Rays] are matched in a World Series that could be quite compelling on the field — even if the rest of the nation would have preferred the Chicago Cubs, Boston Red Sox or Manny Ramirez and the Los Angeles Dodgers.”

This is a quote from NBCsports.com contributor, Tony DeMarco, in a preview story to Game 1 of the World Series. And I have a lot of problems with it.

First, I have a problem with it because I am a Phillies fan. And I think that it’s about time the Phillies were able to content for the title.

Second, I have a problem with it purely from a baseball standpoint. The Phillies are an exciting team. After years of disappointment, heartbreak and more than 10,000 losses, the Fightin’ Phils are finally running on all four cylinders. We have excellent power hitting (Chase Utley, Pat Burrell), good speed (Shane Victorino), a more-than-respectable bullpen (Kyle Kendrick, Brad Lidge) and the past two MVPs of the National League (Ryan Howard, Jimmy Rollins). We had an awesome come-from-behind August to overtake the Mets (again) and almost swept the Brewers in the NLCS. From a baseball point of view, this is a young, exciting team to watch.

And third, I have a problem with it from from a fan’s perspective. As the sixth largest city in America, Philadelphia has plenty of fans. Well, enough people to be ecstatic that the Phillies are in the World Series. Not to mention the amazing journey the Rays have been on this entire season. While the Dodgers were an exciting team to watch in September and October, is it really fair to root for them because of one player (which Tony DeMarco is clearly emphasizing by calling them “Manny Ramirez and the other eight players on the field”). And sure, it would have been nice for the Cubs to have a chance this postseason, but they only have themselves to blame for their embarrassing choke against L.A. And I think everyone will throw up if the Red Sox got to the World Series again.

All in all, fans around the country are in for a great series, starting tonight. I don’t think anyone is going to be disappointed — even Tony DeMarco.

— Bear

P.S. Tony also wins the award for most confusing/worst lead: “From Santa Claus to Sarah Palin, it’s been going on for at least 40 years. Philadelphia may be known as the City of Brotherly Love, but its sports fans aren’t exactly warm and fuzzy.”



Changes
October 21, 2008, 2:54 pm
Filed under: Potpourri | Tags: , , ,

I watch the ripples change their size,
But never leave the stream;
Of warm impermanence and,
So the days float through my eyes.

Fall is a peculiar season. It is, in its purest form, a process of dying; leaves change color as they lose their ability to process the fading sunlight, while animals withdraw to unseen spaces in hopes of surviving the approaching winter. And yet, autumn is a season imbued with as much magic as any. We are entranced by the splashes of reds and auburns and dirty oranges, by the cool breeze chasing away the smeltering Jersey summer. And, despite knowing all this, you buy into the allure, hook, line and sinker. The season is one of preparation, alteration and adjustment, one of bracing for a harsh short-tearm future with an ever-searching eye locked on the distant warmth of spring. It’s a metaphor applicable to just about any transtional point in life, certainly the one between the sunny, carefree afternoons of college and the long, chilly hours spent as a poor, spartan <insert crappy job here>, who frets over every $3 meal from Wendy’s because, well, was that second junior cheeseburger deluxe REALLY neccessary, and you know your mom is out there something with a disapproving stare that you’re indulging in fast food. Again. It’s struggling to manage a relationship with a half hour drive wedged in between, and never enough minutes on the weekend, especially with an expense like gas being so fluid and tough to quantify. You flit back-and-forth, never wanting to leave her and always wanting to break away from the monotony of the shrinking days, to head to where time seems to stop.
But you can’t. Work calls, chores call, errands call incessantly. The cold winter is all but here, but hey. There’s no need to crawl into a cubby hole and hide. Besides the art show in the canopies above, the most beautiful thing about this time of year, of life, is that it’s always fleeting. Spring is out there, and maybe its a year away, maybe two. Maybe you need to sort out your life, hone in on some goals, start putting some money away for things other than video games and trips to Wawa. But the sun, the flowers, the green leaves, will all be back. For now, all you can is grin and bear it, one cold morning at a time.

~ beet



Files and Staples and Clips, Oh my!
October 18, 2008, 12:52 am
Filed under: Potpourri | Tags: , ,

Let’s talk about the most exciting party of my day today — OFFICE DEPOT VENDOR DAY!

Amid the endless hours of copying, stapling, and bringing papers for other people to sign, it’s amazing how important office supplies become. With the blessings from my company to order lots of useful accessories for my work day, leafing through the wonderland of notebooks, colored folders and various strengths of packing tape becomes an important part of my day.

So when I got an official invitation to Office Depot Vendor Day, I couldn’t wait. I told all my friends, and crossed my fingers for free things.

It was awesome. Free pens, pencils, tape dispensers, hanging file folders, post-its, recycled paper clips and even a raffle (which I didn’t win), everything was there. We got demonstrations of new products, like a security file folder that prevents paper from falling out, and because I got there early, I had my choice of cookies and brownies. Vendor day did not disappoint.

Only 364 more days until Office Depot Vendor Day 2009!

— Bear



Put me in coach
October 15, 2008, 1:54 pm
Filed under: Sports | Tags: , , ,

Pull your arm through. Snap your wrist.

I spent the Columbus Day weekend lounging about in sparkling Cape Cod with my girlfriend and a small slice of her gargantuan family. (On her mom’s side alone, there are seven families with an average of 3 1/2 kids per; that’s half a cousin more than the three I can boast across my entire family tree.) During one particularly slow moment, I came upon a whiffle ball nestled in the grass in the backyard, and started a catch with my girlfriend, who is herself a newly-minted baseball fan and always game to toss a ball around.

After a few minutes, her sister and cousin meandered on out and joined in. It was a nice moment, but nothing to write home about until suddenly, one of them blurts out: “Can you teach me how to not throw like a girl?”

Saywhatnow?

Now I played Little League for eight years. For most of my time, I was a 10-year-old journeyman of sorts; I had one solid year as a catcher when I was 7 or 8, but other than that, I was a bottom-of-the-order, bat-glued-to-your-shoulder, occasionally-a-goat, never-a-hero little baseball player. So who exactly am I to be teaching anyone?

But I thought about it further, and I realized that often, its the average, Joe Schmo’s who turn into the best coaches. And I mean, it’s not like I was trying to manage the Phillies here; I was simply looking to pass on a few throwing tips to a few young women who could throw fine but wanted to look better doing it.

So I took them up on their request. We threw the ball around a couple times, and I picked out a few things they were doing wrong. I think the most common motion associated with “throwing like a girl” is a pushing action, where you shotput the ball more than throw it. So had them throw a little more with their shoulder, snap the wrist a little harder at the point of release and bam, there it was. Sure, the motions still needed a little refining, but that’s something that might not come without years of just throwing a baseball. Still, I was surprised how quick and effective my little lesson was, leaving me with one glaring thought:

If it really only takes a few minutes to show someone how to properly throw a baseball, and everyone has to go through 13 years of gym class, why are there so many people who suck at throwing? Guys and girls alike, there’s no excuse for an inability to propel a small object forcefully forward. For years, I always felt oddly privileged to have the mystical ability to throw and catch, earned after years of hard grunt work as a Little League scrub. But then I taught three girls how to throw in a matter of minutes. So if they can do it, why can’t you?



Of Buildings and Cats
October 10, 2008, 10:39 pm
Filed under: Potpourri | Tags: , ,

So. I took a lovely trip into NYC yesterday morning because I had a doctor’s appointment.

The Empire State Building, from my walk to the doctor's office.

The Empire State Building, from my walk to the doctor

I had to wait for a while — per usual for a day at the doctors — and noticed an interesting trend. The area I was waiting in was shared with the ultrasound department. And the only source of reading material in the whole place was bridal magazines. Modern Bride, Vogue Weddings, Martha Stewart Wedding — Every glossy cover seemed to scream the message, you need to be married now, and if you’re not, you have a lot of work to do.

If someone had asked me five years ago what my life might look like in five years, I would have thought I would be married. I know I’m not the type of person who plays around with dead-end relationships. I figured I would meet someone in college (check), date for at least a year (check, on October 28) and then tie the knot.

But now that I’m actually in the moment, I’m no where near ready to settle down. I just now figuring out the person I want to be, and becoming comfortable with a new job, a new city, and some new friends.

I’ll get there someday. But someday is not now. And I realize that I probably will always second guess in my mind whether or not I’m ready, even if it really is the right time. But hopefully I won’t make that decision because of pressure from a magazine at the doctor’s office.

– Bear



Go-go-gadget thoughts

 

Dear Everyone,

I’d just like to remind you that not all cars are blessed with the same astounding horsepower or are as brand-spanking new as yours. As such, when accelerating from a light, not everybody will be able to guzzle gas at the same incredible rate as you as you race to wait for 10 extra seconds at the next red light. If you perchance happen to be behind such a person, please try and be a little patient instead of ramming your headlights into their trunk in hopes that this will make them accelerate faster than their car is capable. You’ll find it saves you a little gas and them a little angst. Thanks,

Beet

  • Having gone to school in New Brunswick for four years, I counted my lucky stars to have never really been through the glorious experience of bouncing around the halls of either hospital in town. But now that the closest hospital is the grandiosely-named Raritan Bay Medical Center in Old Bridge, I’m lightening up to the idea of a broken wrist here or a gash in my thigh there. Unfortunately, it seems Raritan Bay is selling that branch, leaving it with only its Perth Amboy division. That’s still pretty close, but unless the purchaser can inspire the thought of seagulls and salty air and cool breezes, I’m going to stick to staying healthy.
     
  • I don’t know if anybody else feels this way, particularly 8-year-old kids, but I had a bit of an epiphany the other day about cleaning my room. Mine currently hosts a pile of junk in the center (easily maneuvered around) which would cause my mom or girlfriend to pull her hair out. But I realized that I am actually looking forward to cleaning it, I’m just waiting for it to reach this criticial point. There is some sort of cathardic pleasure that comes from a cleaning en masse, as well as a sense of organization and control that comes with doing things in one big process, instead of short bursts that might keep the room perpetually neat, but might never give you that firm sense of knowing where everything is at that moment you finally finish.
     
  • There are three bananas going bad on my kitchen counter, which is weird because I like bananas but I never think to eat them when I’m hungry. Maybe I’ll fry them up good and toasty and let my girlfriend at them 😉
     
  • Finally, baseball is back tonight, thank Jesus Colome. It’s been far too long since the Rays and Sox both clinched, although I suppose I’ll have to reassess my definition of “too long” in about two weeks, when I’ll have to go four months without baseball. With Cubs having sunk somewhere in the cold North Atlantic after hitting that iceburg, it’s down to the Phillies and the Dodgers in the league that matters. I have a Wendy’s Frosty riding on Cole Hamels left arm in Game 1, so here’s to the Fightin’s.

~ beet



    Burned to a Crisp
    October 9, 2008, 3:01 am
    Filed under: Cuisine | Tags: , , ,

    Everyone has their own peculiarities … My sister Christa, whenever she eats a bagel or a donut,  bites around the entire perimeter of the pastry until just the center is left, which she eats last. (She also scrapes all the white frosting off every Oreo cookie before she eats the it, so maybe she wasn’t the best example). My boyfriend likes soggy cereal and my mom can’t eat an ear of corn without at least 3/4 of a stick of butter. Each of us has our own idiosyncrasies, so why are you going to pick on mine!

    I like food burned. I prefer my toast, lasagna, steak, and pretty much anything else I eat, a little crispy.

    It took me a while to embrace the darker side. At first, I never noticed a difference in my habits. Then I realized I tended to save the darker parts of my food for last, cause I liked them more. Suddenly, before you know it, I was pressing down the toaster to give my bagel an extra tanning session. And now I’ll shout it from the mountaintops. I like my food burned.

    I think cooking things a little while longer brings out the essence of things. I takes something from boring to special, bland to flavorful. You can’t beat the grill marks on a nice steak. And who doesn’t try and snatch the dark and gooey part of the macaroni and cheese crust.

    I never realized my habits were terribly weird until recently. A co-worker was surprised when she saw my blackened bagel sitting on my desk, and even more shocked when she found out I actually planned for my breakfast to be that dark. For sure, she thought, that must have been a mistake.

    But no, I fully embrace my “Burned-is-Better” mantra. And boy am I good to have around the kitchen for any unfortunate mishaps!

    – Bear



    In with the old, out with the Newport
    October 7, 2008, 2:04 pm
    Filed under: New Jersey | Tags: , , , , ,

    JERSEY CITY (Oct. 7, 2008) — Sorry, couldn’t resist the old-school dateline; it’s just the mood I’m in right now. I’m sitting here in the Garden State’s second-biggest city after a series of unfortunate events (OK, one unfortunate event, and that would be me brilliantly leaving the key to my apartment at my girlfriend’s place) and glancing out her window at the waterfront’s towering behemoths (relatively speaking, of course, compared to the NYC skyline looming behind them, but we’ll get to that) glaring at me over the Sixth Street Embankment. It’s a stark contrast, and it brings to mind the the thoughts that meander through my head every time up here. Now I’m not one to go sappy for something just because it’s old, but I really enjoy the quirks and crannies that abound throughout New Jersey: a strategic back road buried behind Princeton Battlefield; the pencilwidth road climbing through Somerset County alongside the Millstone River and the old Delaware and Raritan Canal; the handful of disenchanted, would-be storefronts along the Bordentown-Amboy Turnpike that have been fading away ever since Route 18 began soaring over them in East Brunswick; the liberty green Lackawanna Terminal and neighboring pier in Hoboken, with its views of both the George Washington and Verrazano Narrows bridges; and perhaps my favorite, the elegant stone bridges spanning all ten lanes of the Parkway just north of the Raritan River (built as part of a pre-Parkway incarnation of Route 4, which was originally planned to descend to Cape May but has since been chopped to its current North Jersey segment; this is also why this particular 10-mile stretch between the river and Route 22 remains toll-free).

    The Sixth Street Embankment qualifies, too. It is out-of-place, but not distracting. The tracks that undoubtedly still lie below the shrubbery have faded from consciousness, leaving only a stoic stone wall topped by a small forest. It is a welcome sight in an urban jungle, an accidental landscape. It is like much of this place, itself an unintentional amalgamation of several cities, and comprised of mostly storefront and Sesame Street-style tenements.

    Then there is Newport. Oy. An insincere, contrived-looking downtown latched onto a shopping mall and driven skyward by lucrative property along the Hudson River facing Manhattan. Compared to the low-lying neighborhoods around it, Newport is a bully on the skyline, and offers none of the charm. It is never completely abandoned, but it is faux busy, never bustling the way Times Square does at all hours of the day. It is an anomaly, almost as if a piece of New York City was rejected by its inhabitants and shoved across the river. Above all else, it seems forced. Maybe someday, it will click with its surroundings, but for now, it seems like an island perched on a penninsula, wishing it could be part of the island across the way.

    ~ beet